4 Tools for Achieving Therapeutic Success
Let’s be real, therapy can be a big investment.
I’m no stranger to this myself. Before actually becoming a psychotherapist was even on my radar, I spent multiple thousands of out-of-pocket dollars on therapy, and I don’t even know how many hours of my life. And to this day, attending my own therapy is a practice I maintain (yes, therapists need therapists too; and no, that’s not a weakness). Knowing the ongoing positive impact it has on my cultivation of mind and spirit, and my overall wellness and happiness, I still believe it is money very well spent.
And besides the financial factor, it takes a considerable amount of energy, both in emotional processing and in time. For anyone who is regularly attending therapy, that’s a significant time slot out of their week that they have to put effort into dedicating for a therapy session; and for parents, it may require arranging childcare.
I’m sure you’d agree with me that when you are investing that much money, time, and effort into something, you want to ensure it is as effective as possible. Which is why I think you might be interested in hearing from me, a psychotherapist, on what I see are some important factors that you as a client can bring into the therapy room, to help ensure your own success.
A notebook
Let’s start with something quite practical.
This is not by any means a requirement. You can have excellent therapy processes without writing down a single word (or picture). However, if you do bring something to write with, you may have an advantage.
I’m a strong believer in writing for therapeutic purposes, and I am often inviting my clients to engage in writing exercises. Sometimes this is in-session, such as writing down identified beliefs or therapy goals; and sometimes this is homework for in-between sessions, such as journaling prompts. Listing all the reasons why writing can be therapeutic could fill another article (indeed, there are entire books on the topic), but I’ll just mention a few of the benefits here.
Writing is one way to “get what’s in your head out of your head.” Seeing your own thoughts/feelings in written form can make them feel more defined, concrete, and like something you can work with.
A second benefit is tracking. When you write down insights from therapy, you get to review them at a later time, reminding yourself of what you’re working on. And if you are someone who likes homework, remembering exactly what it was that you agreed to in the therapy session can be hard, so having a description of your homework agreement in your notebook can really help. You also get to look back at entries from an earlier time to remember lessons you’ve learned before. And, it can feel really good to review all the work that you’ve put in.
Collaboration and open communication
We are all beautifully complex, and our experiences in life are multi-faceted. This means that what you need in therapy is going to shift over time, sometimes even from one minute to the next. One constant is that the quality of your therapist’s “presence” is always the biggest key for effective therapy. But after that, what’s best suited for your particular real-time situation is going to constantly evolve.
And that’s totally okay. It also emphasizes the importance of your accurate and honest portrayal of your thoughts and feelings. Even if that means saying something that you think might be disappointing to your therapist, or might cast you in a “bad” light, or might be push-back to something your therapist suggests. If you ever feel a disconnect or have concerns about your therapy, discuss them openly with your therapist. This protects your therapeutic relationship, which is crucial for deeper, more effective work.
In sessions with my clients, I am often asking for their permission to try a particular idea in the therapy room with them. If a client doesn’t like my idea, I get curious concerning the “resistance,” not because I know that it’s wrong or that it needs to be argued with, but because there can be very valuable information there for both of us. I may need to shift my approach and try something else, or my client may need to bring deeper awareness to something. It’s all information. I always consider that even though I am the trained professional in psychotherapy, my client is the expert in their own experience, which is why maintaining a collaborative orientation is so very important.
Self-compassion
In my belief, we all have a center Self which is unmarred by our life experiences, and never loses the capacity for compassion…even if we don’t always feel connected to this Self. In therapy, we explore ways of accessing and utilizing more of this compassion. Often this is done by a client observing and experiencing the therapist’s compassion for them (we all need the model of someone expressing compassion towards us, but especially so if we didn’t get this enough from our parents when we were growing up).
Sometimes this growth in self compassion is aided by first recognizing when an “inner critic” is loud or powerful. I think that often it’s the control of the inner critic which keeps folks out of therapy to begin with, or keeps them not fully engaged when they start. It can be really hard to look at painful or needful experiences, and so the inner critic “helps” people avoid doing that, by using all-or-nothing thinking, or overly harsh judgements, or feelings of hopelessness, or even being dismissive of hurtful or abusive behaviours.
The good news is, even if you don’t presently access a lot of compassion for yourself right now, you can grow in that capacity. Self compassion will then help you to be even more self-aware and mindful of your patterns of thinking, believing, feeling, and behaving. You will be able to be honest and authentic, both celebrating your wins, and giving attention to things that you want to change. What’s more, along with increased awareness, you will feel more empowered to affect change.
Tenacity
The last factor that I want to mention here is arguably the most foundational. Because even in those moments when you don’t feel a lot of compassion, or you aren’t able to be fully authentic with your therapist, or you left your notebook at home, tenacity will help ensure that you give yourself another chance, and that you get to continue engaging in the process.
As I mentioned above, your journey in therapy is going to constantly evolve. Sometimes you are going to feel like the master of a mountain, having just climbed your way up a steep slope, standing at the top, in the glory or your victory. And sometimes you might feel like a half-buried soul, mired in the difficulties of your inner and outer worlds, just doing your best to keep from falling deeper into a pit. This is part of the breadth of the human experience, and one of the values of therapy is tenacity through all of it.
Consistency is closely related to tenacity, and is an important factor that self-fulfills into a benefit. The therapeutic process is cumulative, and regular attendance allows you to build on previous work and maintain momentum.
And, the biggest controller of tenacity and consistency is…yourself. This is good news, because yourself is the biggest area that you can ever have influence over.
A client said it well to me recently “At one point, I realized that nobody else is coming. Nobody is going to save me. I have to do it myself.” While that may sound sad at first read, it’s actually the most empowering realization to have. You get to choose, and you get to work for yourself. And even if you don’t know the steps right now on how to get to where you want to be, you get to be tenacious in looking for them.
Final thoughts
There are two thoughts I’d like to add here, and they are 1) real transformation takes time, and 2) you deserve it. Don’t settle for anything less. As I’ve said before, therapy can be a big investment. Willingness to invest in yourself for the long haul will serve you better than “quick fix” or “magic wand” (aka “just give me some tools”) expectations. At the same token, finding a good therapist who is responsive and collaborative to your needs is definitely worthwhile.
If you’ve been in therapy for a while, what do you believe has contributed to helping the process? Do you agree or disagree with what I’ve mentioned here?
If you’re just starting out, does this list help you feel a little more prepared to make the most of your journey? As always, if you have any questions about what therapy entails, reach out to us at Ellis Nicolson. Our therapists offer free fifteen-minute consultations, and we’re happy to help you find a good fit.
Wishing you all the best on your own journey.