Romantic relationships often start with intensity. Desire to spend all our time together, to touch frequently, explore our partner, and have sex, lots of sex. As time passes, romantic relationships can deepen in many ways. We get to know our partner more intimately and become best friends and parents. Together we face life challenges, both the big problems and the mundane every day. What we hear from many couples is that over time the physical and passionate elements of the relationship can dim, until that connection is sometimes completely lost. You think of your partner in many ways, but no longer first as a lover. Luckily for couples who would like to rebuild their physical intimacy, there are several suggestions on where to begin.
Understanding the Nature of Desire
When looking to enhance intimacy with our partners, thinking about desire and where it comes from is helpful. Several experts use the term eroticism to describe the element of aliveness and joy that is essential for meaningful and satisfying intimate encounters. One way to cultivate our connection to the erotic is to pay attention to those things that bring us joy. In positive psychology, this practice is called savouring. Savouring involves attending to, appreciating, and enhancing positive experiences as we are having them. With our partner, we can focus on sharing our experiences by voicing how much we enjoy it, being aware of the time we spend together, outwardly expressing our feelings in those moments, and slowing down and noticing the specific sensations we feel.
The Role of Communication
Communication is the most important element in improving intimacy with our partners. There are two components of communication to consider. The first is to understand ourselves, to look inward and analyze the feelings we have about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, what role we have played in getting to this point, what we want to change, and what feelings come up for us when we think about the current state of our relationship. Understanding the part that we play, and our emotions is vital in any relationship, and it holds particular significance when it comes to physical intimacy. The second component is to communicate openly and honestly with our partner about our needs. Although discussing the lack of intimacy in a relationship can be difficult and not feel sexy, it is an essential step to addressing the issue and making changes. It is important to speak to your partner in an open way that doesn’t place blame. Speak of your longing, what you miss, and what you want. By positively expressing needs, expressing what you would like or need and not what you do not need, it moves the conversation away from what is wrong and focuses on what can be done to improve things.
Building Emotional Intimacy
Research has found that emotional intimacy provides the foundations for physical intimacy, and emotionally close couples are more likely to enjoy satisfying physical relationships. Focusing on strengthening the emotional bond you feel with your partner can be a way to enhance intimacy in your relationship. Focusing on connection with your partner is a simple way to strengthen emotional bonds. We can do this by spending quality time together, scheduling a date night or time for a weekly check-in, and expressing affection through our words and actions. Additionally, carving out time to engage in activities together that you both enjoy can create joyful shared experiences.
Setting the Mood
Life is busy, and it can be difficult to find the erotic in our daily lives. For this reason, creating an environment that invites intimacy can help. This can be as simple as setting aside time each week for each other, free from distractions, and doing small things to create a special atmosphere. Remember that physical intimacy involves more than sex, and it is important to focus on simple physical touch outside of sexual encounters to strengthen the connection with your partner. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, or massage can build up your feeling of closeness with your partner.
Improving physical intimacy in a relationship is an ongoing undertaking that requires effort, communication, and creativity. Through understanding ourselves and each other’s desires, prioritizing communication, building emotional intimacy, and creating a conducive environment, couples can enhance their physical intimacy and strengthen their bond, paving the way for a more fulfilling relationship. Ultimately, the key lies in nurturing the emotional and physical aspects of intimacy, creating a vibrant, passionate connection that can stand the test of time.
Feeling Stuck?
Reach out to one of our qualified Therapists to help you build connection and intimacy in your relationship.